LET ME TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR RUNNING SKIRT...

Here's a running skirt.  I guess they were invented to separate the boys from the girls (in running culture this can sometimes be difficult) or maybe so that running stores would have cuter stuff to sell.  My friend Kim Vidaurri gave me one and I have only used it once on a backroad as I was afraid it would be perceived as a miniskirt, and I have a pretty solid "no miniskirts ever, ever, ever.." policy. I pretty much spent the whole run pulling it down as far as it would go without showing crack, to avoid violating my policy.

This past week, the sun was out, the sky was blue and I was uncommonly optimistic.  On a whim, I decided to give that running skirt another try, and to really try to commit to it this time. By commit, I mean commando. In case you don't know, most running pants, shorts and skirts are not meant to be worn with underwear. Less chafing, I guess they were thinking. Less bulk, I guess they were thinking. After this experience, I know for sure they weren't thinking about me. Commando in a running skirt isn't really as scary as you are probably thinking.  There are built in shorts underneath all of the cuteness. The shorts are  little spandex jobbies with a cotton gusset (gentlemen, consult your dictionaries).

I examined this gusset and ascertained that it would not suffice to protect me from my own bladder and affixed an adhesive pantyliner to the gusset area, knowing how I struggle with my bladder on those downhills. I pulled the leg parts down out of the miniskirt zone and put on a looooong t-shirt. I put on all the rest of my gear and examined myself for some time in my full-length mirror.  I wouldn't say I looked cute.  But, my legs looked strong (albeit glow in the dark after a Colorado winter) and I headed out the door.

Dear God.  I was not yet a full mile when the pantyliner wadded up the size of a shooter marble, adhesive side out, and affixed itself to a place nothing should ever, ever be affixed to.  Every step was a yanking of the unyankable.  My first strategy was to just ignore it. I was in a neighborhood by then and reaching up and extracting it was not an option.  I tried to take small steps to prevent yanking and carry on. But after another mile, even the little yanks were too sore to ignore. My next strategy was to try to shake it loose with vigorous running.  I saw a great downhill portion coming up and decided to really increase my stride and shake the imposter-barnacle out.  In my zeal, I forgot what downhill would do to my bladder.  I was right, that gusset was not enough to protect me from myself.  Neither was the sticky marble.  At the bottom of the hill, I slowed and took stock of my situation.  I had peed freely through the girlie skirt and into my SOCKS.  And the sticky marble was still stuck.  I walked the rest of the way home with tiny, chafing, disgusted, damp steps.

Let me tell you what you can do with your running skirt.  You can stick it right where your pantyliner sticky shooter marble wants to go.

PS Training is going well. I bought much needed new shoes today and will try them out tomorrow. The farthest I have gone is 8 miles and I feel really happy about it.  In my capris.

Comments

[Bethypoo Rohman]

OH MY GOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I love you so much! HAHAAHA! Oh yeah...that's all I have to say

[Amy Dale]

I have to go change MY socks after reading this...hilarious!! I am so glad you are my friend! I actually like wearing my running skirt....as long as I put on long biker shorts under it...if not my thighs will catch on fire from all the friction! Oh the hardships of the chubby running club!

[Shannon Mahoney]

Michelle - that is great - I do love my running skirt but have yet to try it out commando style - congrats on the milage!

[Ryon Fuqua]

I'm so uncomfortable right now, and it is not all from sympathy.

[Lauren Hall]

I read this at the end of a long day in the office. In my attempt to stifle my laughter at the images your story conjured in my brain, I let out some unbecoming snorts and wheezes.

You're amazing. Thanks for the laugh.

[Zionprincess777]

Michelle,
I laughed so hard I almost peed in my running skirt. Thank you-I needed that.
Jennifer Gamble